I was thinking of whether or not to share this picture on Instagram, then I thought against it and decided to use it for my more private space.

This was me at the highest storey of my aunt's HDB yesterday.
It was the 30th level and when I looked down, man, it was scary. But I was rewarded with this pretty damn awesome sight. All the private bungalows looked like monopoly houses and the endless clouds rolled by as I tried to look beyond the horizon, farthest as I could. (and then almost tip over... kidding)

You must be thinking I wanted to do something silly to myself, going all the way up 30 storeys. Haha nah. I must admit I'm quite a coward when it comes to committing possible acts of suicide coz I always imagine how my skull would have to split open and my brains spilling out. Oh, damn. I think for me to do something like that, you would have to LITERALLY push me over the edge, or if I were at my wits' end.

Well, I decided to climb up 30 storeys after a jog yesterday coz I always thought climbing stairs is one of the toughest exercise to do and I wanted to challenge myself other than just running. And also, coz I want to train myself for possible mountain climbing in the future. I think doing a Vertical Marathon is tougher than a normal race actually.

The first 8 flights of stairs were the easiest. I thought wow, this is gonna be ok, thinking that my earlier jog must've got my stamina workin'.

But after the 8th, that's when it gets tiring. Panting like crazy and then wondering when it'll ever end. And when you look at the number that states which storey you're at as you go one flight after another, you'd think, goodness why are the digits going up so slow?! I thought I climbed 3 levels already since the 14th?! Then you look up and you realise it's only the 15th. Wow, another 15 more to go before you reach the top. Great. The thought of giving up sounds enticing. Just take the lift, you'll be rewarded with a view anyway.

I would say the 15th-21st is the toughest. The mid-point of your ascend to the top. At that point, your body will be so freakin exhausted. Well, at least mine was. And you just gotta keep telling yourself to push on. But at one point I think I wanted to just say, yeah, you can carry on another time.

But I pushed for it and kept telling myself, you'll be rewarded by the end of it, yes you will. For some reason, around the 22nd I got more strength and started to go a lil faster but I was exhausted and sat on the stairs for a few seconds before I climbed all the way to the top, LITERALLY ON ALL FOURS. Hahahah, ape man. And I did it.

And there I was, with that view you see there, comforted with the thought that I managed all 30 flights of staircases. It was a nice sunny day as well, beautiful. With more wind, the feeling would've been perfect. It brought me back to the time when I climbed my first mountain in New Zealand.


Anyway, you must be wondering why I'm talking about my 30 storeys ascend.

Well all throughout the ascend, I was thinking about my one and only FYP. I must say my journey to the top at the 30th storey is somewhat similar to my relationship with FYP. I have to say, something is bugging me. You know, I'm at this stage where I'm at the mid-point of the ascend right now. My motivation for production has dipped. I know I spoke about how my production spirit has dropped. But what's scaring me at this point is that... I can't see it peaking. I've tried to muster myself and get myself going again. Tried ways to get inspired. The longer I'm stuck in this rut, the more I'm losing faith and direction. Currently, I'm still trying to motivate myself. Unlike previous episodes, I realise it's not really about my own ability but more of capabilities. I can't seem to control the direction of our documentary enough and I dunno where it is leading to.

Although I mentioned before that we shouldn't worry so much about production because that's the nature of it, it seems to be biting back at me and I might need to eat up my own words. I am in fact, worrying a lot. About things I cannot control. I am so used to short duration productions but this one, takes months. And I cannot help but feel edgy about it because I feel like there are a lot of things to do, yet I don't have the patience to wait for things to happen. This one takes a lot more personal relations with one person, a lot more coaxing... and I'm trying my best to get used to it.

And it's making me very nervous about what will happen by the end of it.

It could also be, because my heart is not totally compelled with our profile's story. I thought from the beginning, that she might not have the best story to go with. Yet somehow, a part of me decided to stick with the faith of sticking to her story. I dunno why, but I just felt the need to search no further but stick with her story. That was a month back. Now, I get the scary feeling that perhaps... that feeling was just a fleeting moment and when my rational side kicks in, I realise hers might not be the most compelling story. And that's really important for a documentary to be kickass.

I want to brush it off as one of those stupid moments when I doubt myself and wonder if certain decisions were made right. But I can't help but think about them and ponder a lot. About why I can't wholly will myself to have 100% confidence in it.


I want to stop thinking about my doubts yet not stop thinking about them because I'm unsure whether they are at-the-moment doubts or SERIOUS doubts that need addressing. I need more guidance from our supervisor. But she seems to be happy about it though, and I don't know if it's because we sold the story really well during presentation day or she's seriously ok with it.

Argh 101 million things on my mind.

I mean, it has even come to the point where I'm toying with the idea of completely changing our story. Which, I tell you, is scary as hell because that would mean a couple of months of effort down the drain and starting from scratch. What is more ideal? Going with a brand new story that might potentially have other challenges on its own as well or continuing with what we currently have and try our best to overcome the problems that we have now, yet feel a sense of uneasiness. I am with the latter right now coz the former is a bit crazy and rash and I tend to like to work things out than give something up.

Yet I still want to make the most informed decision but lack the foresight for it so I feel that what we need is guidance. From somebody. And I have that someone in mind, just wondering if the person would judge us for doubting the story after going in for a while now. I guess pride has to take a back seat in times of urgency and I really should just ask for feedback.

I think of myself as quite a positive person and I know this mid-crisis will be overcome soon. It's just.. how long more before I will finish the 15-21st storey and continue my hike up to the 30th???? I WANT TO SEE A GORGEOUS VIEW BY THE END OF IT. It's tough it's tough, but I really hope I'd see a guiding light soon. Otherwise, I will invite the light for guidance somehow haha.

Man, times like these I can still joke. I realise something and that is... by the end of every post where I rant about something, I almost always feel 85% better than when I first start writing it. I guess... writing things and penning my thoughts out can be cathartic for me. Which is good coz I think it helps me analyse my feelings better. Why am I feeling this way? What should I do. It actually DOES help to put my thoughts into better perspective. I guess writing does bring another side of me to the table that doesn't happen when I'm out and about - the ability to really have time to process and think properly. Like what my new role model, Sushmita Sen, says "Every person should have a public and private side. A private side, which is for themselves and I think that is essential."


Speaking about quotes, that brings me back to the title of this post.

It's by Sim Chi Yin, an award-winning Singaporean photographer based in China who recently won Her World's Young Woman Achiever Award.

It is an excerpt quote that resonates deep within me and one that I've always believed in,


"I don’t know if my photos can help these people. Every documentarian photographer dreams of having impact, dreams of being effective, dreams of being that doctor equivalent that can save people’s lives.


Big, big smiles all over :')
A sense of accomplishment.