I've missed you!

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HEY GUAISSSSSSSS I'm back!!!!!

After the tormenting semester and papers, I am so happy to finally be free!!!!!!!!!!! FREE FOR 8 MONTHS AHEAD> I'm free from school but not exactly free either coz I've to redo a project and it's quite sad coz it feels like I'm free yet not free. I've to head back to school at 9.30am tmr. : ( But whatever it is, it's still good to be gone from all that's been bogging me down this sem. It's crazy. SO craay.

I have so much things to do now and prepare for. The Laos trip that's on the 12th! That date's approaching hella soon. 5 MORE DAYS!!!!!!!! I'm terribly sorry but I'll be off again and this blog will be stale for another 2 weeks. I knowwww.. I really have so much things to say, yet struggling to find time. Anyway, 2 weeks is crazy for OCIP. Crazy long!!! To be honest, I'm only ok-excited about Laos. Not like totally game and on to go. But I guess once the date arrives when I get to fly, maybe that's when I get excited.

And there's admin stuff to do for my NZ visa and health/travel insurance. Shit, come to think of it... I really don't have time crap. I need to get down to doing all these before I leave for Laos. Shit shit shit.

Nevertheless, at least I've found accomodation over at NZ and am staying on campus in Bryant Hall. They've accepted my application and I really am very excited about exchange. Yes, I'm gonna go there alone. A dude from NTU's supposed to be my exchange partner but I'm gonna just forsake him and do this whole exchange thing alone. I swear, I think this will be one experience of a lifetime. So freakin cliche. But my god, I really do think I'm gonna be in for something extremely exciting.

Anxious at the same time of course. Coz this is the first time I'm gonna be alone going overseas. And there are so many things to worry about. First of all, I need to learn how to survive. Cook, bathe, shit whatever. All on my own. I'm by myself now. Yeah, I'm uprooting everything here in Singapore and heading down to the strange and foreign land of the Kiwis. Secondly, socially, I'm gonna have to put myself out there and be brave in making new friends. I've considered the various possibilities.

One: I will be alone. For 6 months. Coz Angmohs stereotype me to be a typical Asian and ostracise me. Which could be possible. And all I can do is feel sad for myself as I stay in my hall the whole of my 6 months there.

Two: I will be mixing with only Asians. Well, at least I'll have company. But I'm there to force myself to mingle with everyone. I can't be culturally ethnocentric. I learnt that in comms hahaha/ But srsly, NO ASIAN. NEED TO BE OPEN MINDED AND SEE THE WORLD.

Three: I befriend International Students and Kiwis and have the time of my life in New Zealand. That's prolly the best possible option. A diverse range of people from all over the world. I really do hope Option Three will happen for me. Then, I think the objective of an exchange will be fulfilled.

Cuz that's what an Exchange is about. You peel your damn eyes so bloody wide open and become one of them. Sorta.

And I seriously am there to see all that, that I can never see in Singapore. New Zealand, world renowned for its scenery. And I'll be there to take it all in. The sights, the sounds.... I'm there to finally,

Let Go.

\\

Yeah, I sound like I'm having diarrhoea, but god, school physically and mentally freakin drained my brain.

I must tell you, this was the first time I ever had a mental breakdown while studying for my exams. Nothing was going in. I couldn't take the stress from studying anymore and I cried. Cried so damn hard into my pillows to drown out the sounds of my sobs. It really was that bad. And it wasn't the stress that triggered my tears. It was the fact that people cared for me when I was feeling like shit. I blah-ed to 3 friends about not being able to cope with all the crazy stress. And the moment they responded to me (in quick time), I was so touched that I broke down.

But it felt good releasing all that pent up frustration I'd been feeling the past few months.

It really was the first time I'd ever felt like, "You know what. I'm so tired of studying. I really want to end this." I've never felt this way before. And trust me, I'm supposed be the last person on Earth to ever feel this way. Coz I've always felt that having an education is a privilege and succumbing to stress is almost like complaining. And to me, it's a small thing compared to the problems swamped all over the rest of the world. So I've always thought I've no reason to complain. Coz it's not a given. So don't whine.

And it's kept me going. Still does. But sometimes, too much is... too much. I was really just so stressed. I couldn't understand why we have to compete for grades so badly. I just couldn't see the point anymore. Especially my school, wkw. Mediocrity is just not acceptable there. And actually, thinking about it now, it really is quite a pointless race. Yet, at the same time, knowing that I must somehow get to the end point, no matter what. And do well. Sigh. Exhausting.

But here I am, finally free. Not yet but soon. And I really just want to leave everything behind here in Singapore. Forget about everything and have an open mind in another country where no one and nothing is hounding you for anything. And come back, to start anew.

Can you imagine? What it's gonna be like? That's why I'm psyched! What an opportunity and I'm gonna make sure everything's gonna be fruitfully spent.

And I will def let you in on the fun as well. Probably gonna blog full time when I'm there hahahah. Coz I'm gonna be lonely as hell :'( Please let me make new and fun friends! HAHAHA. Loneliness should never happen to anyone. It's one of the saddest things in life. To not have anyone to love, cry and laugh with. It truly is sad. tahhaha.

Ok, that's all from me! I believe you've heard me speak in your head already, listening to my voice seduce your every vein. I do miss you! Yes you! I promise I'll be back with more posts.

It's so good to be back. : )

One very recent picture taken yesterday of me and my friends as we ate dimsum and talked about all our different exchange destinations. I'm excited for all of us.